A Thousand Tiny Cuts

I wish I could say that Ren and I have come to terms with the spine news, but we haven't. I wish I could say that my powers of positive thinking and spiritual beliefs have helped me know it will be okay, but that's not true, either. Instead, in the down time I've had between the fifth-grade camping trip, Stow's "Nerf Karate Panda" birthday party, and various graduation activities this weekend, I've been mentally composing a list of the thousand tiny cuts that threaten to do us in. 

So, I made a table. I know it's lame and that you probably don't even care, but I feel like someone needs to keep a record, a record that will either tell of our amazing ability to persevere and overcome or one that so clearly maps the detours and road blocks along the path to our demise.

September 2009	Moe starts as teaching fellow at small liberal arts college.
December 2010	Sky formally diagnosed with autism after extensive testing; Pink is diagnosed with a severe peanut allergy.
March 2011	Pink is diagnosed with other food allergies.
May 2011	Stow is born.
May 2011	Pink is hospitalized and receives asthma diagnosis.
September 2011	Ren’s back goes south on Sky’s first (and Ren's last) ever Cub Scout camping trip.
March 2012	Ren has his first spine surgery (a lamnioplasty) in the lumbar spine.
March 2012	Moe accepts position as a Visiting Assistant Professor at the same college.
May 2012	Moe successfully defends her dissertation.
May 2012	Stow turns 1.
August 2012	Ren has his second spine surgery (a laminectomy) in the lumbar spine; Stow is diagnosed with C-diff and a MRSA infection.
March 2013	Moe accepts a tenure-track position.
April 2013	Stow has an endoscopy, colonoscopy, and cystoscopy to determine cause of multiple infections and repeated “failure to thrive.”
May 2013	Stow turns 2.
July 2013	Family moves from one small midwestern town to a another small midwestern town.
August 2013	Moe starts new job.
November 2013	Ren has first his lumbar fusion surgery.
Winter 2013/2014	Polar vortex—Ren doesn’t leave the house from November until April. Moe shovels a LOT of snow.
March 2014	Ren and Moe go to Mayo Clinic to see if anything can be done for the spine. They are told (paraphrasing), "The spine is bad. It won't get better. Learn to live with pain."
May 2014	Stow turns 3.
September 2014	Ren has a 2-level fusion in his cervical spine.
May 2015	Stow turns 4.
September 2015	Ren diagnosed with severe depression.
November 2015	Spine surgeon discovers spinal cord is at risk of being permanently damaged due to stenosis.
December 2015	Ren has a second lumbar fusion and doesn’t leave the house from December to April.
February 2016	Stow is preliminarily diagnosed with autism.
May 2016	Stow turns 5.
December 2016	Family completes first year since 2010 that no one is hospitalized.
March 2017	Stow is formally diagnosed with autism after extensive testing.
May 2017	Ren’s kyphosis is so bad, they (Ren, Moe, and the specialists) determine it needs to be fixed so Ren can have a chance at a better quality of life. Stow turns 6.
July 2017	Ren has a spinal fusion from T2-S1 that requires 140 staples. He doesn't leave the house for anything except doctor's appointments until October.
August 2017	Ren hospitalized for heart attack symptoms.
September 2017	Ren hospitalized with double pulmonary emboli.
December 2017	Lung cancer scare for Ren.
January 2018	Doctor suspects bone bruise in femur and tells Ren he has to limit walking for six weeks.
May 2018	Stow turns 7.
December 2018	Moe gets tenure. Ren cleared by spine surgeon’s office after x-rays and exam show fusion looking good, completing only the second year since 2010 that no one was hospitalized.
January 2019	Polar vortex. Ren starts feeling new pain and hearing new noises coming from his lower back.
April 2019	After months of phone consultations, Ren finally agrees to be seen at spine center again.
May 2019	Spine doctor discovers broken rods. Stow turns 8.

When I am looking on the bright side, I remind myself that these circumstances would test the strongest of families, and I tell myself we should be proud of how we've pulled through and found humor and joy even in the hardest times. But, when I can't find the bright side, I wonder why the hits just keep coming and doubt that I have it in me to keep fighting.

I've promised myself and my readers that this blog will always be "real," and sometimes real means that I don't know what comes next or whether we have the grit and strength necessary to face it.  I don't know how we go on from here, but I do know that we have a spine consult scheduled for this week and that Ren and I will do what we can to keep moving forward until we just can't do it anymore.