Weird.

Trigger Warning: Navel gazing, overthinking.

So, what's it like to, you know, have cancer? The short answer? Very, very weird. (I guess the shortest answer would be, "weird," but I don't think that does it justice).

On that drive to Indiana, when I went to spend a couple of days alone, I felt a joy and freedom I hadn't felt in a very long time (if ever). I had weathered the illness and loss of both parents and unexpected and difficult surgeries for Ren and Stow. And I had, finally, after many, many years, put down a lot of the things from the past that were weighing me down. It turns out this was all in preparation for life's next challenge, which literally showed up a few hours after I got to Indiana.

Anniversary flowers

Funny.

*****

Friday was my last day of work. I was tantalizingly close to making it through the whole semester. So close. Going from cruising speed to zero is a mind-boggling experience. So is having people suddenly worrying about and feeling sorry for you. But, so is suddenly realizing why you have been feeling all of the aches, pains, and other symptoms. Once you know why you've felt that way, it is impossible to ignore, and suddenly you feel like doggy doo and stop pushing. So weird.

Not only do I have thymoma, which Pink/Falcon has dubbed "Thy Mother," it is also constricting my lungs and may or may not be causing cardio and vascular issues that are also real. I'd like to go back to my strategy of not going to the doctor. When you don't know what's wrong, it's almost like nothing is wrong.  

Anniversary tulips

In a few days, I will have surgery and learn about things like margins and stages, but today, I am blissfully unaware of what the future holds. I think I will enjoy my freedom by having a coffee at my usual Tuesday spot. Then I think I'll get my grades in and enjoy the amazing weather. I've got a couple of more Lego botanicals to build and a book to finish. And, I suppose I have a surgery to prepare for. All things in time. 

See you on the other side.*

Christmas bonsai trees. (I'm telling you, I have a backlog of Lego Botanicals given to my by loved ones. It turns out I really love flowers and I really love Lego. Who knew?

*Of the surgery, obviously. I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon.