How Do I Not Fail at This?

"I don't think I want to do gymnastics today," Sky tells me as we wait for his class to start. Moments before he seemed fine, so I scanned the room to try to figure out what triggered the sudden change of heart. Then I saw William watching from the stands. William who keeps being mean to Sky at school. William who also happens to be Asian. William who has become the bane of my existence.

Of course, I say none of this to Sky, and instead respond, "What's up, Buddy."

"They'll make fun of me," he answers, without filling in the who or what or how. But I know.

Still, I ask, "What do you mean?"

"Well, last time William saw me at gymnastics, he told all the other kids."

"Really? What'd he say?"

"Sky does gymnastics."

Worse things could be said about Sky. Worse things have been said about Sky.

"Well, you do do gymnastics," I say.

"Yeah, but they laughed. And, they're wrong! Boys do gymnastics, even at the Olympics!" By now, Sky's getting fiery. And teary. And it's breaking my heart. But, I don't tell him this.

Instead, I say, "You're right. But, here's the thing: some kids are always going to be mean. And there will always be someone who tries to hurt your feelings. But, you. You are awesome, and you have already done amazing things. Be proud of who you are. You can't let anyone tell you who you should be."

I know he heard me. And understood me. But these are only words. Words from his mom who can't go out into the world with him, who can't really protect him from any of this, who sometimes forgets to be patient, and kind, and understanding.

How do I not fail at this?

At all of this. At helping a son--a son who struggles to fit in, who struggles to understand, and who is so breathtakingly sensitive--to become a confident man. At teaching my daughter not to equate her beauty and self-worth with the style of her clothes, with the color or her hair, and with the number of her friends.

I know this is an uphill battle, so I started early with my constant and not always subtle messaging:

Do what you like.
Be who you are.
Ignore the meanies and choose to be nice.
Embrace your cultural diversity.
Take joy in those things that make you different.

I know they hear these messages, but I can already see it's not really enough. My one single voice grows smaller, more difficult for them to hear, as they are bombarded with messages that tell them who they should be, what they should like, and how they can become popular. How long until my kids can't hear me pounding this drum, telling them they are so much more than any box others will try to put them in?

Oh, that we could change our society so that boys could cry and girls could fight and no one would bat an eyelash. Oh, that their sense of self worth would never be tied to what they are wearing or what sport they play or what grade they got on the last test. We are all, all of us, so much more than the ways our culture tries to define us, but how do our voices drown out the relentless messages that seek to silence us unless we choose to shout together?

Yay, Halloween!

Eons ago, way back in 2011, I lamented the coming of Halloween in this post.  I suppose I don't really like Halloween because I seem to totally and completely lack the gene that makes me good at coming up with costume ideas.

My costume failings are constantly being exacerbated by the pink princess-loving little girl with an unflappable sense of style who is my middle child. In 2011, she was refusing to wear anything un-princess-y. We managed a compromise when I found a mermaid princess costume that was sparkly though not pink. It turns out, as long as there's glitter, a wand, and a beautiful plastic pearl necklace, it doesn't have to be. This discovery almost revolutionized Halloween for me. Almost.

The next year, I decided to push my luck and try for a mini theme. A fortuitous trip to Comic Con with my students convinced me that Power Rangers was the way to go. I mean their masks have Japanese symbols on them. How cool is that? Sky loved the idea of being Red Power Ranger. He thought the "fire" mask was especially awesome and enjoyed posing with his various secret weapons. Here you see him effectively utilizing his freeze ray (conveniently shaped like an LED flashlight).

Stow couldn't have cared less about being Yellow Power Ranger, but who can resist a seventeen-month old with fake muscles and a hat in the shape of the Japanese character for light? Obviously, I couldn't. This is also as close as I was going to get to covering his head or face, so there's that.

The challenge, of course, was Pink P. I knew getting Pink to agree to a non-princess outfit might be difficult. But given the pink-ness of Pink Power Ranger, I thought I had a good chance.

I didn't.

She would not even entertain the thought of being a Power Ranger, and so I had to settle for this. At least it wasn't pink, and her princess of choice a brunette instead of blonde. I take my victories where I can (even when they aren't really victories at all).

That brings me to this year. My batting average at not getting Pink to dress like a princess seemed pretty dismal. As the following useful info-graphics make clear:

I'm still pretty proud of Mike Wazowski. I could never pull that off today.

Pink's costume choices from 2008 until 2012.

*****

Going into the sixth round of Pink P costume searching this year, I didn't have much hope.

And then Pink P chose this:

Sometimes I'm pretty sure she's just messing with me. I mean, why couldn't she pick this last year when both her brothers were Power Rangers? Honestly, though, I don't care because now my princess to non-princess ratio is 1:1. And, besides, how awesome is that look? 

Lest you're worried I got off easy this Halloween, I should tell you that Sky is refusing to dress up. First, he couldn't find a costume he liked. And since I knew I'd be traveling a lot in the weeks leading up to Halloween, I agreed with him that maybe he could just stay home and help hand out candy this year. But then I started worrying that he was avoiding Halloween due to his anxiety and sensory issues and that he really wanted to participate but didn't feel like he could. So, I took him to the Halloween store. You know the one: it pops up in a strip mall near you on about the first of October and is gone by the first of November. Normally, I avoid these stores, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

And, my ploy seemed to work. Sky was immediately drawn to the (admittedly awesome) Minecraft accessories. And, since it was my idea, I couldn't say no. 

I'm not going to tell you how much this little get-up cost (shirt from Target, by the way), but I will say it was more than the other two kids' costumes combined. And the best part? Sky's still not sure he wants to wear it. I did manage to get him to wear the t-shirt for the school Halloween parade, but the ridiculously expensive cardboard head and foam pick ax are waiting safely at home.