Top Ten Things I learned in Tokyo (On This Trip So Far)

We’ve been back in Japan for about two weeks, so I thought you might like an update. Here’s a list of things I have learned/realized/had reconfirmed:

1. No matter what I do, I’m going to end up buying my kids shoes in Japan. 

Last year on our first full day in Japan, it became immediately apparent that none of the kids had workable shoes. We don’t walk as much in our everyday Midwestern life as in Tokyo, where we average about 5 miles a day. It wasn't until we were somewhere in the middle of the city that I learned that Sky forgot to bring the inner soles of his shoes, Falcon's shoes had holes, and Stow's shoes, which were brand new, no longer fit. 

After buying three pairs of shoes on day one last year, I made SURE they all had shoes that fit and that were in good shape. Apparently, that was enough for them to make it 12 days until I had to buy three new pairs of shoes again, because this time Falcon's shoes were "too loud" and too hard to put on (who chooses high tops to wear in JAPAN?!), Sky's shoes were "too neon," and Stow managed to walk until he got holes in the shoes we bought about a month before our trip. Honestly, the only one who actually NEEDED shoes this time was Stow, but the dollar is strong against the yen right now, and I was really tired of hearing about the noise issue and the neon issues.

2. The only way to survive a rush hour train commute is with noise-cancelling earbuds and a solid playlist. 

I do everything humanly possible to avoid trains at rush hour. You've seen the videos. Rush hour in Tokyo is no joke. Sometimes, though, I have no choice. There are a lot of sub-lessons about trains as well: A) Even if it looks like another person can't fit, they can. If you are that person, step on to the train, turn around and back yourself far enough in that the door won't close on you. People packed on a crowded train tend to settle into place, and somehow you will find yourself with enough room. B) If you're short like me, try to stay near the door or the ends of the bench seats, so 1) you have something to hold onto, and 2) your face is not in everyone else's armpits. 

Anyway, I'm a bit claustrophobic and REALLY dislike crowds of people, so the crowded train is a worst-case scenario for me. My ability to cope with it has improved greatly since I got earbuds that cancel out all of the surrounding noise, so if I close my eyes, I can forget that I am on a train full of people. I even do this when I am on a train not packed with people and highly recommend this for anyone with claustrophobia or social anxiety. Also, if you want to hear one of my playlists, leave a comment or PM me on Facebook.

3. No matter how much I tell myself I won’t, I will STILL buy more pens. 

I have a lot of pens. This may be an occupational hazard for anyone who does work in or on Japan. Or maybe I just have a problem. Either way, I always resolve that this trip I will absolutely not buy any more pens. Last trip, I made it three days before buying one (and then a bunch). This time, I made it six days. But, I only bought two pens, and that's because these are absolutely the best pens I have ever used!!! I know I only needed to get one and that I could probably just get by buying ink refills for the same type of pen I bought last year. But what if the pen breaks? What if it gets lost? What if the padded rubbery part on the end gets sticky or gunky? How would I go on then? You can really never be too careful when it comes to pens.

I mean, look at this thing!

4. Getting the kids their own rooms was a stroke of genius  

I probably don't even need to explain this one. They need their own space where they can decompress and do their own thing. All siblings annoy each other, neurodiverse kids with very specific ideas about the world can make life impossible for one another. Miraculously, I finally convinced Ren to try AirBnB because lodging for 5 people in Tokyo is nearly impossible to find and puts us in really tight quarters. The AirBnB house we are using is tiny by US standards, but we all have space to get away from each other!

Falcon's bunkbed cave

Stow's room is barely big enough for his bed and less wide than Stow is tall.

5. It’s impossible to spend time in Japan and not walk away with lots of tchotchkes

I also regularly make resolutions about not bringing any more geegaws into my life. But, then I come to Japan, and I quickly crumble under the sheer number of opportunities to buy things I do not need. This time, I am proud to say I have largely managed to resist, though I did buy a couple of figurines and a sticker from two of my favorite Miyazaki Hayao films.

Model of one of the robots from Castle in the Sky

Uncle Pom sticker

Kodama from Princess Mononoke--can you blame my choices on these?!

6. You can waste a lot of money on vending machines and gachapon (Gacha gacha in English?).

We always give the kids some spending money when we come to Japan. Last year, Stow spent every yen that he got buying interesting drinks from vending machines (which are practically on every corner) and gachapon machines, which are also increasingly almost on every corner. Gachapon are machines that you pay anywhere from 200-500 yen to get a capsule with some kind of tchotchke in it. The machines are thematic with anywhere from hats for cats (Bunny Pearl has NO idea that this is her year to get initiated into the world of cat hats) to tiny soldiers in ring boxes to your favorite anime character holding different kinds of food. There are entire stores full of gachapon machines, and the possible "prizes" are oddly addictive. So, yeah, last year Stow spent about 15000 yen on gacha and drinks. This year, he has done MUCH better. He's managed to save his spending money, but the gacha fever seems to have spread to Falcon. Curse you, savvy toy marketers!

So. Many. Vending machines.

Gachapon haul

7. While I love big cities like Tokyo and Kyoto, I’m a small-town person at heart.

See #2 above. Also all of the posts I have written about mountains.

8. I will never master the Japanese ability to make a long train commute on a muggy day and still look and smell fresh. 

I really don't know how people do it. Inevitably I look like a cat that has just been given a bath whenever I get off the train after a rainy day commute. Meanwhile, the people around me are not only not wet, but they are better dressed and WAY more put together than I am on even my best days. I want some of that magic. 

Me after a June train ride

9. Traveling with three kids is challenging. Traveling with three neurodiverse kids can seem downright impossible at times.

I'll write more about this later, but I wanted to flag it here and say that sometimes I can forget how hard this is for the kids. Also, Ren is a saint, an absolute saint.

10. Monaka remains the best ice cream treat in the world.  

What can I say? Crispy cone on the outside, thin piece of chocolate in the middle of vanilla ice cream on the inside, not to mention the way the outer layer is lined with chocolate BUT STILL CRUNCHY. I believe it is a testament to human genius and ingenuity, and encourage you all, every single one of you, to eat one (many).

I mean, all Japanese ice cream is great....

....but nothing beats Monaka!

Questions for Parents of Neurotypical Kids

I have never raised a neurotypical child**, and I suspect parents of children who are not neuro-spicy have taken a very different path on the journey of parenting. Normally, I don't think about this, but it is end of the school year which means school art fairs and concerts, etc. In settings like this with many other parents and same-age peers around, I begin to suspect there might be some dissimilarities between what happens at our house and what happens in other homes.*** 

But, I don't know that for sure, so I created this list (off the top of my head) to see if my suspicions are true. I present to you Moe's questions for parents of neurotypical kids, the tween-teen version:

1) Do your children wear fleeces and hoodies well into the summer, even when it is above 80 degrees?

2) How many times do you address a child, who is in the same room, before receiving a response? 

3) How much do you know about Star Wars (the films and the various Lego sets that have come out since the early 2000s)?  Fall Out (the game and the TV series)? Tanks? Dragons? Paint colors? 

4) If a city has a subway or a train, are you obligated to ride it even if you don't have anywhere to go?

5) When you call your house, does your child answer and insist that you carry out a long, make-believe conversation either about what you want on your pizza ("Thanks for calling Pizza Hut. Can I take your order?") or what your emergency is ("911. What's your emergency?") Or, do they pick up the phone and sit in silence for a minute before saying, "Yeah?"

6) Do they start a conversation with you before they even get into the room and despite the fact you are in the middle of talking to someone else? Do they start talking about something they made up without realizing that you don't understand because you can't see into their head?

7) If they call or FaceTime you, do they start with hello or ask you how you are doing or do they just jump into to telling you why they are stressed or what they need from you?

8) Do you sometimes need to draw pictures to make sure everyone knows what you are talking about? Do you have to explain idioms? Or sometimes find yourself trying not to laugh when someone takes something so literally that it's absurd?

9) When you go to school concerts or other performances, do you have a stress response caused by memories of past concerts when your kid sang too loud or froze or refused to wear appropriate clothing?

10) Do you have a nagging sense of fear every time you drop them off at a party or any other informal gathering of their peers? Do they ever text you from a closet or from under a table because they are overwhelmed and want to be picked up ASAP?

11) What about school? Do you worry about them when they are there? How often do you get calls and emails from school? Weekly? Monthly? Never?

12) Do they come to you and ask for a squeeze or some other help so they can re-regulate?

13) How much time do you spend explaining to your children how to read non-verbal cues or to be able to understand why something they did upset someone?

14) How many times have their classmates or friends come to you to complain about what your child is doing? How many times have people glared at you or chided you for your failure to properly discipline your child?

15) Do they refuse to eat things because the texture isn't right? Do they refuse to wear certain clothing because it's too itchy, too tight, or too something else? Do they avoid showers because they don't like how the water on their body feels during the seconds between getting out of the shower and drying off with a towel? 

16) Do they refuse to go to certain areas of a store because the humming noise that you can't even hear is too loud for them to bear?

17) Do they avoid going into certain rooms in the house because they saw a bug there once? 

18) Do they get overwhelmed and shut down when you are in the middle of a conversation?

19) Do they get so absorbed into doing something that they won't come to dinner? 

20) Do they provide unwanted details about the workings of their digestive system WHILE they are still in the bathroom? Do they sometimes send pictures?

Twenty is a good stopping point even though I think I could probably go on forever! I suspect I know the answer to some of these questions, but I'd really like to hear from you all (parents of neurotypical AND neuro-spicy kids).

Writing these reminded me just how rich and interesting our lives are. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my kids. What I would change is the world that isn't terribly welcoming of them. I wish for teachers, peers, family members, and strangers who don't judge my kids or mistreat them. Can you imagine a world where all kids are embraced for who they are and encouraged to grow in the ways that make the most sense to them? I hope we can get there some day. In the meantime, let's support each other by telling our stories!

Here is a picture of a cup of coffee, just because. 

**I'm not including Big Sissy here because I didn't have the opportunity to parent her until she was already as tween.

***Before I go any further, I want to state unequivocally that this is not a post about how I don't like autism and, therefore, my autistic children. Ditto ADHD. I feel like this should be obvious, but I have encountered comments in the past telling me that I don't accept my children for who they are. I do. And, I am also sure there are some real challenges in my kids' lives that they want people to know about and acknowledge. I don't post without consulting them.

There Are Bears Everywhere

You’ve probably heard about the man vs bear thing, but in case you haven’t: Women are being asked whether they would rather encounter a bear or a strange man if they were alone in the woods. A majority of women have said they'd rather meet a bear, and this has shocked a lot of men.

There are many reasons women have offered for choosing bear. Here are a few of them:

• A bear’s motives are easier to understand.
• A bear's actions are easier to anticipate.
• No one will doubt you if you say you have been attacked by a bear.
• A bear can't gaslight you.
• You won’t be blamed for being attacked by a bear.
• A bear won’t sexually assault you.
• You won’t have to worry about whether you live in a state that forbids you to terminate a pregnancy resulting from a bear attack.
• If a bear attacks you, it will be punished harshly (i.e. euthanized).
• You don’t have to worry about running into the bear again.

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To be clear, my answer is neither. I would rather have a peaceful walk alone in the woods without experiencing terror. But also, whether I encounter a man or a bear, I’m going to react in a similar way. I’ll feel anxious and a bit sick to my stomach. My heart rate will quicken, and I will get an adrenaline rush. I will avoid eye contact and do whatever I can to put distance between myself and the man/bear, and if that doesn’t work, I will prepare to defend myself. 

But, see, I already do those things when I’m walking down the street or in a parking lot at night or on trails (in a part of the world where there are no bears) or pretty much anywhere that I encounter a strange man when I am alone. Instinctively, I gauge how closely I am being followed and change directions or cross the street or duck into a store if a man is keeping pace or speeding up behind me. I have my keys ready and check the backseat of my car when I get into it at night. I also decide not to do things I want to do, like go hiking alone, because there is a chance it will be unsafe. 

In a sense, women spend their whole lives preparing to encounter (or trying to avoid) bears.

I don’t know, but I imagine it would be hard for most men to fathom this. I imagine that most men don’t understand what it is like to start to learn about bears in elementary school when boys pull up our dresses. Or in middle school when they ogle or touch our budding breasts. Or in high school when they laugh about who is “easy” or refer to our classmates as sluts.

Do men know what it’s like to buy our daughters rape whistles, alarms, and/or mace and to teach them the same things our moms taught us? The list of dos and don’ts goes on forever: Don’t walk alone, especially at night. Always keep an eye on your drink. Don’t go alone to a guy’s room. Don't wear noise-cancelling earbuds when you are out running. Try to get an apartment on the second or third floor but never the first, etc, etc, etc. We have no choice but to prepare to defend ourselves and to follow this impossibly long list because we have friends, relatives, and acquaintances who have been assaulted and then asked why they didn’t protect themselves better.

Being a woman is exhausting for a lot of reasons, but one of the biggest ones is that we must always be vigilant against potential encounters with bears. And, it doesn't matter that a bear hasn't gotten us, yet, because there is always the chance that one will. 

Of course not all men are bears, but enough of them are that we can never let our guard down.

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Listen, I love men. Some of my favorite people in the world are men. But that doesn't change the fact that I live in a world where being a woman is risky and exhausting. It also doesn't change the fact that we still have a long way to go before women feel safe and heard and respected. 

We need the help of all the good men out there. It's not enough to acknowledge the disparities between the experiences of men and women; men need to actively support women by working against the things that make life challenging for them. So, here are some suggestions**:

• Change directions or cross the street if you happen to encounter a woman alone.
• Speak out against sexist or misogynistic language or behavior.
• Listen to and believe women, even when what they are saying seems unbelievable.
• In meetings where their voices aren't being heard no matter how loud they are speaking, echo their statements while giving them credit for them.
• Be the first to volunteer to send emails, organize meetings, serve food, make copies, take minutes, or do any of the other tasks that tend to fall to women, even though that's not their job.
• At home, know when the kids have practice/lessons/school events and get them where they need to go without being asked or reminded.
• Take initiative on scheduling appointments for them.
• Take over the organization of household chores.
• Decide what to make for dinner and do the shopping yourself.
• Be emotionally available for the kids so they come to you with their problems as often as they go to their mom.

Maybe you are already doing these things. If so, awesome! If not and you want to know how to help, this is a good place to start. 

**Obviously, you can take them or leave them.

Moe's List of Things You Can Take Away from Her (Gross) Oversharing

When I was deep in it while far from home a couple of weeks ago, the only person I told was a friend thousands of miles away. "You need to tell [the person your traveling with]," she said. "If your leg was broken, he'd want to help. This is no different."

Though I really didn't want to, I took her advice because I knew I needed to let someone closer know. But, I'm not sure I agreed with her assessment; I think the way our society thinks about mental illness IS different. Despite how much our medical system has evolved over the last 100 years, mental health issues are still treated as somehow less acceptable than all the other ways in which a body can let a person down.

I experienced my first severe depression when I was 18, an event triggered by a career-ending tennis injury and subsequent surgery. I went off to college that year hardly able to walk, and although my knee eventually recovered, I spent the next four years battling a depression I didn't want to admit I had. Depression gives you a certain empathy, and in my case, it led me to be actively involved with the student counseling center on campus. At the end of my senior year, the head therapist, who had become a good friend by that point, said to me, "Moe, You've done everything in your power to deal with this. Sometimes, though, it's just out of your control. Sometimes it really is just a matter of chemistry."

I had done everything--hours of therapy, prayer, meditation, exercise, lifestyle changes--but I had refused to consider medication. To me, taking an antidepressant was akin to failure because I didn't really grasp what my friend was reminding me of a couple of weeks ago. Depression is not a personal failure; it's the body's way of responding poorly to a host of internal and external factors. And, along with a whole bunch of other mental illnesses, we need to talk about it.

Depression and anxiety don't define me any more than my nearsightedness or my flat-footedness. Though I can't imagine a conversation in which I describe in great detail my use of orthotics, I suspect most people would be more comfortable with that conversation than with one about the ways in which my brain has been messing with me the past few weeks. That's why I've been writing these posts. Mental health struggles shouldn't be a secret. We need to be able to think about depression and anxiety and all the other mental health issues in the same way we think about a broken leg or an astigmatism.

I will be okay. I've been through this before. And, if/when I ever feel that I will not be okay, I have assembled a safety net of people I've promised to let know. But, I am sure there are people all around us who are still fighting this fight largely alone--afraid or unable to get the support they need. Chances are, they are people like me--highly successful and driven and with a sense of humor perfect for masking what's going on. Being vulnerable is hard. Being vulnerable regarding your mental health feels impossible.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you know I'm a fan of lists. So, here's a list for you:

A LIST OF THINGS I HOPE YOU'LL TAKE AWAY FROM MY (GROSS) OVERSHARING:

1. We need each other. And, we need to be okay being vulnerable.
2. It's okay to ask for and receive help. One day you will be able to return the favor.
3. Having mental health issues doesn't make you weak. In fact, you're probably the strongest person you know.
4. Every day that you keep going in the midst of your mental health struggle is a tremendous victory. Try to celebrate it and know that one day it won't be so hard any more.
5. Sometimes your family can't help. Mental health issues are hardest on the ones you love the most, so it's okay to look for support outside your immediate family.
6. Sometimes the best way you can help a struggling friend is to keep talking to them. Don't pity them or patronize them. They don't want to worry you but probably really, really need someone to be present with them and treating them the same way they've always been treated.
7. Total "recovery" from mental health issues is probably not a realistic goal. Think about ways to embrace and accept this part of yourself.
8. Learning to live with things like depression can actually help you tap areas of strength you didn't know you had. For me, it's writing. I often write better when I am depressed, and at the very least, depression motivates me to put to words things I wouldn't normally talk about.
9. It's up to all of us to remove the stigma around mental illness. We must teach our young people to do this differently.
10. If not us, then who will take these hushed whispers and turn them into a collective roar for change?

ICYMI, here is the first blog post I wrote about depression earlier in the week, and this is the second one. I also wrote one about anxiety. 

What Do You Do with So Much Awesome?

Recently, I've started to suspect that I am losing my mind. And, if not, that I have less patience than I should. At a certain point each evening (usually about 3 hours after I've gotten home from a long, busy day at work), I find myself yelling at someone or the other. And, I can't figure out if I am just tired and grumpy, or if something has driven me to it. So, yesterday, I decided to keep an informal and completely unscientific list of the conversations I was engaged in between the hours of 6 and 9 p.m. Note: this list is not comprehensive but it IS true (in that these conversations ALL happened). Looking at it, I've decided that maybe there is just a little too much awesome happening at my house, and I clearly don't have what it takes to keep up with all of these conversations.

(Just for fun, see if you can guess who said what.)

1. "Mom, look at this book I got from the library. (Holds up The Essential Research: A Complete. Up-to-Date, One-Volume Sourcebook for Journalists, Writers, Students and Everyone Who Needs Facts Fast).  Do you want to know how many people died in traffic accidents in 1990 in Vermont? It's a surprisingly low number. Can you believe I am the first person to ever check this book out of the school library?"

2. "Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you that my left leg went numb this afternoon, and I couldn't walk. It's a like a tingling shock, but it's so strong and unexpected that I can't move my leg." 

3. "Mom, look. When I shriek loud enough, the Anpanman Christmas toy turns on all by itself." (Shriek followed by Anpanman rocking and playing Jingle Bells in a slightly flat electronic frenzy. Followed by another kid testing his shriek to see if it has the same effect. It does)."

4. "I'm going to shake this tree hard enough that all of the ornaments fall off." 

5. "Tomorrow I am going to try to hook up the DJGKESM. If it doesn't work, you need to call and tell them SKEWMG AKTJES and KGWJETASDGO. Ok? Are you listening?" 

6. "Brennan sits at the allergy table everyday because he likes Annabelle. He likes girls who are smart and pretty because he wants them to do his homework for him. I think he's stupid and should leave us alone. I like playing with Annabelle because she is nice and smart and doesn't care how she looks just like me." 

7. "I think there is something wrong with the nerve here (points vaguely to lower back). It feels really funny. (Me: Shoudn't I call the doctor?) Not, yet. Maybe it will get better besides they can't do anything about it." 

8.  "I think Momo really likes it when I _____________ (insert ridiculously cat-unfriendly behavior here). All of my friends think I am saying Mom when I say Momo, but I don't think Momo and Mama sound alike at all. Isn't that weird?" 

9. "Why don't you make the kind of gratin that Big Sissy makes with the macaroni in it? I don't like this rice one. I think you put in too much rice." 

10. "How come you never watch ______________ (insert TV program title) anymore?" 

11. "Oops. I forgot to put on underwear again." 

12. "I think the surgery failed. That's the only explanation for _____________ (insert pain description)."

13. "I'm going back upstairs. It's too loud down here. I can't eat when it's this loud and you told me to not to yell at everyone." 

14. "Can I turn on the outside lights and ride my bike in the dark?"

15. "Are you sure you love me?" 

16. "Can I use your computer to look up KGMTKSEMKG?" 

17. "Mom, why don't you exercise like Jimmy's mom. She exercises all the time." (Me: Because I use up all my free time asking you guys to do the same thing over and over again.) "That's probably better, anyway. If you had time to exercise, you'd probably start drinking Diet Coke again and watch too much TV." 

18. "Do you want to smell my bottom?" 

19. "Mom, the dinosaur's head fell off again."

20. "Why does he have more ornaments than me?" (Me: Because he's older than you). "I knew it. You don't love me. You wish I was never born."

21. "Can I use your computer to look up FLEKWGSJP?" 

22.  "It's not true that 9 year-olds are supposed to go to bed by 8:30. You're just using that stupid chart to prove that you're right."  

23. "I think I have figured out why that video game is so expensive. It's new and it's popular so lots of people want to buy it, so that's why it's expensive. That or maybe the graphics are some kind of special new technology."

24. "Can I use your computer to check my homework?"

25. "Can I play Wii?" (Me: No. It's a school night.)

26. (20 minutes later) "Why can't I play Wii?"  

ANSWER KEY:

1. Pink
2. Ren
3. Sky (and then Stow)
4. Stow
5. Ren
6. Pink
7. Ren
8. Pink
9. Sky
10. Sky
11. Stow
12. Ren
13. Sky
14. Stow
15. Pink
16. Sky
17. Pink
18. Stow
19. All three.
10. Stow
21. Sky
22. Pink
23. Sky
24. Sky
25. Sky
26. Sky

50 Easy Steps to Sunday Morning Waffles

1. Refuse to get out of bed until the absolute last minute even though each kid has come in twice to report on everything from the content of their dreams to details of their current Lego creation to the quality of their bowel movements.

2. Walk into the kitchen only to find that it and the living room look like something from The Hangover even though everything was in its place when you stumbled into bed 6 hours earlier.

3. Have a mini-stroke and go back to bed.

4. Try hard to ignore the increase in decibels coming from the other room.

5. Give up on sleeping, say a small prayer, and get up for a second time, hoping that somehow things are better.

6. Find that very little has changed but muster up all of your patience to calmly tell the children that you will make pancakes if they get things cleaned up.

7. Meet resistance. They want waffles.

8. Agree to make waffles while desperately wracking your brain to remember where you put the waffle iron.

9. Experience a wave of relief when one of the kids runs to the right cabinet and excitedly pulls out the waffle iron.

10. Have second thoughts when you realize they've pulled out the Darth Vader waffle iron.

Darth Vader's handiwork

11. Tell the kids to get out the ingredients while you go to brush your teeth in an attempt to buy yourself a few more minutes of peace and quiet.

12. Be met by an anxious pre-teen who tells you he can't find any pancake mix.

13. Tell him to look again. And, then again.

14. After he tells you that he can't find it a third time, look for yourself.

15. Realize too late that the three attempts to find pancake mix have triggered an anxiety-induced meltdown.

16. Try to talk your pre-teen down from his meltdown while rummaging through the pantry.

17. Determine that there is indeed no pancake mix in the house and that you don't have time to go out and buy some.

18. Look in three other cabinets hoping that pancake mix will somehow miraculously appear while simultaneously debating the merits of running to the grocery store at this time on a Sunday morning.

19. Suppress your growing sense of panic when the younger two children come to see what all the racket is about and immediately insist they be able to help.

20. Despite your best efforts, watch as the melting down older son triggers a completely different (but equally difficult) response in the younger son.

21. Dodge incoming jab, shoves, and the occasional flying object from melting down younger son who is overwhelmed by the noise and chaos.

22. Hand younger son an iPad in an attempt to keep him from single-handedly triggering the apocalypse.

23. Grab your Kitchen Survival Guide (seriously, you guys, my mom gave this to me for college graduation, and I STILL use it more than any other cookbook I have) and frantically search for a waffle recipe.

24. Realize (with a wave of relief) that you have all the ingredients the recipe calls for.

25. Talk your older son down from his meltdown by giving him the job of measuring everything.

26. Plug in the Darth Vader waffle iron and try to remember how you're supposed to know when it's hot enough.

27. Help pre-teen find and mix everything while demonstrating the difference between sifted and unsifted flour but not before rummaging through the cabinets as you try to remember whether or not you have a sifter (you do).

28. While you're waiting for the waffle iron to heat, send the pre-teen to the garage freezer to look for sausage links.

29. Immediately regret that decision as he can't find sausage either and retreats to his safe space in an attempt to avoid a second meltdown in an hour.

30. Go to the garage and get the damn sausage yourself.

31. Start heating the sausage and realize that finally the waffle iron is ready.

32. Put the first batch of batter in.

33.  Wait....for a really long time

34. Try to ignore your 12 yo who is in the other room muttering under his breath about how big a mistake your failure to just go to the grocery store and buy more pancake mix was.

35. Wonder whether the light was supposed to be on or off and open the waffle iron to check.

36. Decide the light is supposed to be off.

37. Wait.

38. Realize you can't keep the 6 y.o. distracted by iPad videos forever.

39. Tell him to get out forks and put fruit on all the plates.

40. WILL the waffle iron to heat the waffle faster.

41. Peek inside the waffle maker again and decide there's no way you're making church, especially since the 12 yo is starting to panic again, and the 6 yo is freaking out about not having a waffle, yet.

42. After waiting for 30 minutes with no luck, get out the back-up waffle maker.....you know, the one you got for your wedding but completely forgot you had.

43. Plug it in.

44. Try to remember if the green light is supposed to be on or off.

45. Decide it's supposed to be off.

46. Wait.

47. Even though the Darth Vader waffle is clearly not done, scrape it out of the waffle maker and give half of it to each of the younger kids since they're the only ones around and seem desperate enough to eat anything.

This all-American breakfast brought to you by Moe, the world's greatest mom.

48. As you're putting batter into the back-up waffle maker, realize you only have enough for one more waffle.

49. Begin negotiations with three children to figure out how to avoid World War III.

50. Wish you never got out of bed.

Resolutions are for Sissies

New Year's resolutions are for sissies. At least, that's what I am telling myself so I don't feel quite so guilty about being SUCH A TERRIBLE BLOGGER!

Suddenly weeks have passed, and I have failed to write about ANY of the things I could have written about. Of course, the thought of trying to catch everyone up makes me panic to the point of becoming unable to write anything at all which leads, in turn, to the guilt of failing to entertain you with my witty stories about (let's be honest here) practically nothing. To avoid all of that, this year I have decided to use bullet points to give you a list of the things that might have been worth writing about had I actually had my act together for two seconds.

• The kids got pictures with Santa not once but TWICE this year (which is good because we completely failed to pull that off last year, and because this year the FIRST time they saw him Ren FORGOT TO TURN ON THE AUTOFOCUS ON HIS CAMERA EVEN THOUGH I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S WHY WE BOUGHT THAT CAMERA TO BEGIN WITH).
• When Santa asked Sky what he wanted for Christmas, he replied, and I quote: "That's okay. I'm gooooood."
• It turns out that being ten at our house means you don't want anything from Santa, you're old enough to stay up late on Christmas Eve and work like a proper elf, AND you're finally tall enough to shovel snow effectively. Who knew?
• Pink got a dollhouse for Christmas. It is taller than she is and probably should have been put together first, when we were all still fresh and full of energy from Santa's cookies (and not last, after midnight well after we'd come crashing off of our sugar high). Maybe next time I will look at the specs before ordering. It WAS on sale, so there's that.
• Hiding mini cupcakes on top of the refrigerator in the back behind the gallon of distilled water and the cast iron tea pot STILL doesn't prevent our resident three-year-old night crawler (well, technically 4:30-in-the-dang-morning crawler) from finding and consuming them, leaving crumbs all over the house AND causing himself to have both a rash AND diarrhea.
• Stow constantly and consistently makes the antics of his brother and sisters pale in comparison to the things he does when given 30 seconds of no one watching.

• Pink managed to lose both top front teeth in time for Christmas which led to a morning of watching this video over and over again. There's something oddly but satisfyingly addictive about this. Though I couldn't tell you what.
• It's our second winter up north, and I still haven't figured out how to use the snow blower without blowing 90% of the snow right back into my face and onto the path I've just cleared. Every time I finish doing the driveway, I look a lot like this guy:

Image credit: http://www.wayfair.com

• I'm thinking about starting a gofundme campaign for one of these snow thrower cabs. Who's in?

Okay, I'm sure there was more, but that's what I've got for now. Happy New Year, you guys! Here's hoping for better blogging in 2015.

60 Simple Steps to Sending Holiday Cards

Step 1: Forget to take a family picture until the very last possible minute leaving yourself with the conundrum of whether you will be sending Christmas cards, the also appropriate Japanese-style new years card, or possibly even Valentine's Day cards.

Step 2: Decide to do a Christmas card and realize you don't have any decent clothes for the kids to wear in a picture. Also, they all need haircuts.

Step 3: Waste three days trying to decide whether to take them to get haircuts.

Step 4: Decide not to.

Step 5: Manage to pull together passable outfits and take the picture.

Step 6: Surprise yourself by taking a decent one.

Step 7: Post all the awesome outtakes on Facebook.

Step 8: Search online for the cheapest possible photo card.

Step 9: Get distracted by a toddler who needs to use the potty and forget about ordering the cards. For three days.

Step 10: Remember you were trying to order cards but realize you forget where you saved the picture.

Step 11: Get distracted by a potty-training toddler again and wonder if he will be in college before he figures it out.

Step 12: Find a coupon for ordering cards online and remember you still haven't ordered them.

Step 13: Get hung up on whether you will wish people merry Christmases or happy holidays.

Step 14: Make the decision based on the color of the graphic and go with the one that clashes least with your kids' mismatched outfits.

Step 14 1/2: Wonder what happened to Joy, Love and Peace, and question whether such things ever existed. (BTW, this is from the card we sent last year since I haven't gotten around to ordering them this year).

Step 15: Place the order and then do nothing for the next several days while you wait for the cards to arrive. Sure, you could go to the post office and buy some nice Christmas stamps. You could even find and update your address book while you wait. You do none of these things.

Step 16: Once the cards arrive, open the box and admire your handiwork. Then place the box in the corner of your desk and forget about it for a couple of weeks. Ignore that nagging sensation that you forgot to do something.

Step 17: Write a blog post about writing Christmas cards. Find it funny that this doesn't motivate you to actually write them.

Step 18: Wait a few days. Move up two levels on Candy Crush.

Step 19: Give in to the guilt and decide to start working on the cards.

Step 10: Get distracted by a Love It or List It marathon and do nothing.

Step 21: Sit down to work on the cards and realize you've lost your address book. (Who are we kidding? The last time you had an address book, you were just out of college. After that, you had the information in your computer, but that was when you lived in Japan, and you didn't bring that computer with you when you moved. What you're actually missing is the stack of cards from last year that you saved in order to send out cards this year.)

Step 22: Proceed to track down the addresses of everyone you can't remember by searching for them on 411.com or calling your mom.

Step 23: Spend at least 15 minutes being totally creeped out by how easy it is to find so much personal info about family and friends online.

Step 24: And an entire day bummed that even though you are an adult your mom is STILL more organized than you are.

Step 25: Once you have the addresses, obsess about whether your handwriting is neat enough to address the cards by hand.

Step 26: Decide it's not but be too lazy to figure out how to do this on the computer.

Step 27: Have an internal debate about whether you want to address people as Mr. and Mrs., Family, or simply by name.

Step 28: Decide that you'd rather not offend anyone by using the wrong title and address the envelopes with no titles at all thereby potentially offending everyone.

Step 29: Write a brief note on every dang card even though you said you weren't going to do that this year.

Step 30: Repeat Step 25, only this time obsess about your writing on the backs of the cards. Hear your mother's voice in your head telling you to write neater and eventually find it impossible to write anything at all.

Step 31: Take a break to look at Facebook and check if anyone has been reading your blog post about writing Christmas cards. Worry that maybe you're the only one who has this much trouble writing Christmas cards.

Step 32: Try to bribe your son into licking shut all the envelopes.

Step 33: Fail.

Step 34: Tell him this is one of the ways he can help you with Santa's job. Convince him to seal a few but quickly send him off to do something else when he starts devising other ways to get the envelopes wet.

Step 35: Notice that 6 of the 10 envelopes he licked before you fired him didn't seal completely anyway and ponder how you can improve the seal.

Step 36: Become temporarily grossed out by the possibilities.

Step 37: Lick all the envelopes yourself, quickly and without swallowing.

Step 38: Wonder where you put your address labels.

Step 39: Find them and realize they only have your name on them.

Step 40: Wonder whether it's appropriate to use an address label with only one person's name for a card from the whole family.

Step 41: Decide you really don't care as long as you don't have to write or lick anymore.

Step 42: Realize you also can't find your stamps and wonder why in the world they aren't with the address labels.

Step 43: Look everywhere for them.

Step 44: Find some old, ugly "Forever" stamps and decide they're as good as any.

Step 45: Wonder if your international stamps are still good.

Step 46: Go online and discover that international postage has gone up by 10 cents again. WTH?

Step 47: Dig through your drawers to see if you have any 10 cent stamps lying around.

Step 48: Discover you don't and realize you're going to have to go to the post office anyway.

Step 49: Give up in defeat and spend the next two hours watching reruns of The Big Bang Theory.

Step 50: Pull yourself together and sit down for the final haul.

Step 51: Write, lick, and stick until every last one of the ragtag bunch of cards is done.

Step 52: Put the finished cards in the car to take to the post office.

Step 53: Forget about them for a couple of more days.

Step 54: Finally remember to mail them when you go to buy 10 cent stamps.

Step 55: Stamp the last of the international cards and drop them in the mail slot on December 24th (if you're lucky).

Step 56: Have serious doubts about whether any of that was really worth it.

Step 57: Realize you forgot to stamp a few when they show up in your mailbox briefly tricking you into thinking you've actually received a Christmas card.

Step 58: Ditto the cards that had the wrong address on them.

Step 59: Vow never to send Christmas cards again and throw away your address list.

Step 60: Go through the exact same process approximately 12 months later.

The Things I Learned and Re-learned While Traveling Internatinoally with Three Small Children

1. When booking a Japanese hotel room online, avoid places that claim to be only for foreigners or at least ask them to send the dimensions of the room you book. Otherwise, you end up with a "triple" room that looks like this:

Three year-old included for scale.

For the record, I cried when I saw this room, but not before Sky had a massive meltdown over its minuscule size. In case you're wondering, the meltdown occurred in the hallway because although he could look inside and see how small the room was, it took time for all of us to squeeze in with our luggage.

2. It really is possible to get three children and a stroller, four rolling suitcases, four backpacks, and a man with a cane on or off the train during the 30 to 60 seconds the doors are open, but it may require yelling.

3. When traveling through Japan during rainy season, you will get rained on, the children will splash you with puddles, and their umbrellas will turn into makeshift water funnels, dropping streams of water into your shoes.

To make yourself feel better, you should have your children re-enact scenes from movies they like.

4. There can never be too many convenience stores.

5. GFCF is not as easy as it should be but also not as hard as you might think. On the one hand, this:

See all the yellow arrows? They are pointing to the clearly-marked list of allergens found in each of the dishes. Most restaurants have this helpful information, so that's good, right? Well, kind of. You see, even though many restaurants are savvy enough to make sure customers know what's in the food, this doesn't actually mean they offer alternative options. I mean, I'm glad to know all of the things my kids can't eat. I just wish there was something they COULD eat. And, if you've spent any time in Japan, you know that asking them to simply remove an ingredient to make it allergy friendly doesn't always work. McDonalds absolutely would not take the buns off the hamburgers I ordered which meant that the kids whined and cried about not being able to eat them. Telling people the kids were allergic sometimes made things worse as there is clearly a protocol in place for making sure that moms of kids with allergies take full responsibility for possible cross contamination. On one flight, I had to tell multiple flight attendants that I understood that my choice to have my kids eat the food was solely my responsibility.

6. You can never have too many KitKats.

Image from: www.mylostintranslation.com

7. I'll never stop missing Japanese-style customer service.

Each time we flew on All Nippon Airways, they gave each kid a toy. They also brought around warm wet towels for wiping our hands, plenty of extra wet wipes for eating with children, and hot soup broth as one of our drink options. Gas station attendants came out to greet us and make sure we knew how to pump our own gas. Hotel and restaurant staff walked us to the door and bowed us away. When Stow hit his head, not only did the concierge bring him ice, but she also checked on his well being the following day and every day after that until we checked out of the hotel. Every purchase was carefully wrapped, and wrapped again and bagged, and at one point, when I told the person at the register I was in a hurry, she called two people to help and still apologized for taking too long to wrap. I could go on, but you get the point.

8. It's still nearly impossible to go to a hot spring bath with a preschooler.

9. You can never get enough bad English. This sign took me awhile to figure out:

I had to read the Japanese to understand they meant no beer or wine and not necessarily no illegally produced, low-quality spirits. I assumed, since it was the Hyatt in the heart of Tokyo, that they probably didn't have a significant backwoods moonshiner problem, but then again, you can never be too sure about these things.

10. If you carry your things through US customs in a cardboard box, you will be searched, even if the thing in the box is a heated toilet seat in its original packaging.

This was not the first time we've been stopped for carrying a box of stuff (link). It was, however, the first time a customs agent laughed so hard at me that he waved us through while clutching the stitch in his side.

Taking the Long View

Last year, I went out on a limb and made a New Year's resolution. I'm not normally one to make resolutions, but I thought this one was a sure thing.

I resolved that Ren would not have any back surgeries in 2013.  Well, we all know how that ended up. And we almost made it, too. November 2013 is pretty darn close to January 2014. What a disappointment! I totally expected 2013 to be the one and only time I managed to keep a New Year's resolution.

So, instead of resolutions, I've vowed to stick to making lists. Lists have helped stave off my anxiety and keep me focused through a lot of life's insanity. Lists help me keep my eye on the essence of what needs to be done. My lists are usually short and uninspired:

• Call the dentist
• Pay bills
• Submit application
• Take kids to gymnastics

But sometimes, they are pure gold. Once, twenty years ago, I made a list called: "Things I Want to Do with My Life:"

• Live near mountains
• Travel or live overseas
• Write
• Having a meaningful yet challenging job
• Get married (maybe eventually) and have kids (maybe eventually)

The list is relatively short and in many ways oversimplified, but the things on it ended up molding most my 20s and 30s. Some of these (like finding a meaningful job and having kids) took awhile, but I eventually managed to cross everything off. Looking back at this list got me thinking that maybe it's time for a new one. So, here I present:

The Things I Want to Do with My Life 2.0

• Be fully present 
• Show as much grace under pressure as I can muster at any given moment
• Treat my body well enough to make it the next 40 years
• Write a book
• Stay married 

Maybe this list of goals isn't as inspired as the first. I suppose only time will tell. I do know that none of the things on it will be easy for me (except, God willing, the last one). Hopefully, as long as these are not New Year's resolutions, I can pull them off.

All They Want For Christmas is Something to Bounce On (Or How One Mom Stays Sane)

Last December, I posted pics of some of our favorite toys, so this year, I thought I'd do the same. In particular, though, I want to focus on the things that have made living with kids with SPD (sensory processing disorder) a little easier. Stow and Sky are sensory seekers. They like to crash. A lot. They also like to be squeezed, smooshed (let's pretend that's a word), and rocked. Pink P has an insatiable urge to jump. It's all enough to make a mom a little crazy. (It's also enough to convince a mom that the new house MUST have a separate playroom with plenty of space and a door, but that's another story). So here I present:

MITC's Top 10 Sensory Gift Ideas

1. The Cuddle Swing

I bought this one by Southpaw used on Amazon*** for less than $100. Plus I had a gift card, so there's that. We have it anchored in the ceiling in Sky's room. He likes to sit in it and read. When he's needing some heavy input, he gets in the swing, and I push him by hitting him with a big exercise ball. It sounds barbaric, but it totally calms and reorients him. I have never seen anything quite like it.

2. Spooner

Aside from the unfortunate name, this is a great toy. Stow had a lot of balance issues that came with his low muscle tone, and just having this lying around has encouraged all of the kids to step on it and work on their balance and strength. You can also rock on this which is always soothing for Sky. We use it indoors, so it's perfect for rainy days. Plus, it stores well.

(Spooner from Veach's, one of the best independent toy stores I've ever seen)

3. Bilibo

Ditto everything I said about the Spooner, including the part about its unfortunate name.

(Bilibo from Amazon)

4. Trampoline

We got this for Christmas three years ago when I consistently failed to convince Pink P to stop jumping on the furniture. Since she seemed compelled to jump, I figured it'd be a lot safer for my furniture and my children if we had our own trampoline. The first day we had it, I established four rules which miraculously stuck: 1) only one kid jumps at a time, 2) no toys allowed on the trampoline, 3) hold on, and 4) don't jump on to or off of it.

If a trampoline won't work, kids can also bounce using a balance trainer or one of these desk chairs with an exercise ball in it.

We also still really love our Rody for our littlest sensory seeker.

(Trampoline from Toys R Us, chair and Rody from Amazon)


5. Weighted Blanket

After years of telling myself I was going to make my own weighted blanket and stocking up on dried navy beans when they were on sale, I finally broke down and bought one of these for Sky. I mean, even if I managed to figure out how to sew a blanket in a way that kept the beans properly compartmentalized, there was no way I would be able to wash my navy beans in the washing machine. This blanket is from SensaCalm and is by far the most reasonably-priced one I found. It feels like it weighs a ton, but Sky sleeps peacefully under it. He did mention it was too hot once, but then again, it was summer and besides the weighted blanket, he also had on a fleece blanket, a quilt and a throw.

6. Bean Bag Chairs

Sky's chair.

Stow's chair.

Both Sky and Stow have bean bag chairs in their rooms. The chairs are great for throwing themselves into or getting good deep pressure. They're also a great place for a poorly-regulated kid to vent his frustrations without actually hurting anyone. Moms can enjoy napping on the bean bag chairs when the kids aren't around, or so I've been told.

(Bean bag chairs from Target)

7. Chewies

We've tried all sorts of different chewing gizmos to help Sky with his obvious need for oral input. Without them he spits, blabbers, shrieks, and chews on his shirt sleeves. The problem is that he's also chewed through every chewy we've ever tried.  Like these:

We hooked this one to a lanyard, but he chewed through it.

Even his Z-vibe, which cost more than I wanted to spend, couldn't withstand his chewing. No matter what tip we used, he chewed through it in about a week and ended up swallowing some of the rubber. This made his teacher nervous.

The one that lasted longest was this "chewelry:"

It lasted for several months. The only problem was that he liked to pull on it and flip it like a giant rubber band. He also took it off and swung it over his head like a lasso. For obvious reasons, the other kids did not appreciate being hit by his spit. 

These Jigglers seemed like a good idea for school but the vibration was ridiculously loud! Plus, a boxing kangaroo is never good for a kid who has personal space and social skill issues. I figured it would take approximately 6 1/2 minutes in the school building for Sky to hit a kid with this one.

(Jigglers and Chewies from Sensory University and Amazon)

8. Granola Bars, Celery Sticks, and Gum

Obviously, you can't put celery sticks in their stockings, but for Sky, it turned out that super crunchy foods were the key to dealing with his oral sensory-seeking issues. He also totally digs the way the foods sound when he chews them. Much cheaper and more filling than the chewies. When crunching just doesn't do the trick, I give Sky 5-8 pieces of gum (enough so his mouth is full, but he doesn't choke, obviously). I can't tell you how many stockings and Easter baskets I've filled with granola and gum, but it's a lot. We've also stuffed stockings with various fidgets and vibrating toys like these two:

(Vibrating toy and fidget from Sensory University)

9. Tent

This collapsible tent has been a great "safe space" for Sky when he needs a sensory break or just wants to get away from his little siblings. This Ryan's Room set came with two tents and a tunnel, and every OT we've ever met finds something good to do with the tunnel. (Set from Costco)

10. Crash Pad

This is our most recent discovery/acquisition. When we moved, we got rid of the old hole-filled couch that Sky used for deep pressure and crashing (which I think ended up being more traumatic for me than for him--I wrote about that couch here). I promised him I'd use the money we made from garage sales to get something more appropriate for his needs. This thing is basically a thick nylon square filled with those foam blocks you see in the pit at gymnastics. We got this a couple of months ago and the kids have been running and crashing into it ever since. Since it's 5 ft X 5ft, the size can be an issue, but thanks to the new playroom space it fits. Added bonus? The kids like to practice their gymnastics skills on it. (Amazon)

So that's the list. Some of these things were gifts, most were on sale, and some we just broke down and bought because I couldn't figure out a way to simulate the desired effect. Either way, since the diagnosis, we've been much more intentional about using birthdays and Christmas to get the kids things that help with balance and sensory integration. I don't know if they work or not, but life does seem slightly less chaotic. Plus, I feel better knowing the stuff we are bringing into our lives is working toward a greater good.


*** In fact, I bought most of this stuff on Amazon--what can I say? It's hard to get to the store, plus I'm a fan of free shipping.

Pictures of the chewies and vibrating toys were taken from the following websites:

http://www.beyondplay.com/
http://funandfunction.com/
http://www.nationalautismresources.com/
http://www.sensoryuniversity.com/

All other pictures are mine.